For the first time in months I can honestly say I’m happy with the way things are going.
I’ve cried so much in the last 24 hours it’s unbelievable. I never cry, I wouldn’t even say I bottle things up. I just can’t even stop myself. I cried on the bus back to school yesterday, I cried on my way home from our work experience meeting, I cried when I got home, I cried talking to matt french, I bawled my eyes out talking to mum and cried myself to sleep. I didn’t speak all day today. Chris picked on me in english and I completely lost it. The teacher showed Jorens photo in art today and I lost it. I’m losing it right now.
Andrea hates me and Ruby doesn’t want anything to do with me. They were my two best friends. Jarrod, Brodie, Jake and Emmah said they’re all still here for me, but regardless of that, I can’t even talk to them anymore because of the groups.
This is the exact reason I don’t get into relationships. Because one way or another, at 16 years old, someone is going to get hurt. Someone is always going to get hurt. In this case, it’s both of us, he’ll be fine before I am. He gets to keep all his friends. I’m going to be beating myself up over this one for a while.
I’m absolutely wrecked and now I really have no one. Not one single person, that I can go. I really just wanted someone to hug me today and tell me everything was fine, but really I don’t have friends anymore. I can’t lie that one off. I have a bunch of acquaintances but no friends.
If you were ever really my “friend” you would understand the situation. You wouldn’t feel the need to tell me to “grow up” because I don’t like relationships, that’s a choice, okay? Sorry I can’t feel comfortable being like that, but everyone needs to back the fuck up, okay? I still love him, regardless of what I told him. So shut the fuck up, because you obviously don’t me well enough to make your accusations.
I feel weak in every single limb in my body. I feel sick to pits of my stomach. I did the worst thing ever and I really didn’t want to. There’s no way to right what I did wrong and I’m going to have to suffer through it because everyone around me hates the me and so do I. I’m glad I left school today. I wouldn’t have been able to handle being there anyway.
I got two of my dermals removed today. Owwie?
I’ve been watching Skins series 1 over the last two days and I’m getting overly nostalgic about the very first time I slept over at Ruby’s house.
It was just the two of us because Minnie and her mother were both out over night. I got to Ruby’s and she was still out buying us some dinner. It was pissing down rain. Now to be honest, Ruby and I were still in the awkward stage of getting along really well, but having a bad history to try not to think about, and trying not to bring up the past, or people the other didn’t like.
Our night started with a tour of her house, and we sat down and watched some television, I’d actually started to get a little bored because all we were doing was chatting, but it wasn’t the humorous, crying, laughter inducing talking that we do now.
We decided to make dinner, which turned out to be pretty fun, we listened to music on her laptop. After that we had a nice candle lit dinner and afterwards we headed off to her bedroom. I’m not entirely sure what we did but at one stage we got dressed up and took some dodgy web cam pictures.
After that we went online. We lurked tumblr. We lurked facebook. Eventually we got to youtube. We decided to lurk Bring Me The Horizon because neither of us were screamo fans and wanted a laugh. Very first song we came upon was It Never Ends, which both of us really enjoyed, we watched it multiple times and we enjoyed looking at Oli Sykes. (Ruby now enjoys the occasional screamo because of this event)
We decided to watch a few movies and after getting half way through one, she turned on another, and half way through that, she put Skins on. It was the second series because that’s all she had. She took me to a certain episode which I loved.
We turned the laptop off a little while later and talked for a while before drifting off to sleep.
I’m nostalgic because I feel as though that sleep over made our friendship work because we ended up with little inside jokes and a mutual love for the back of Oli Sykes’ head. (Yeah, inside joke right there)
That day/night was incredibly rainy and chilly, as was tonight.
But now I’m scared. I don’t have classes with Ruby anymore and we used to have 3 or 4. I see her twice a day and it scares me, because we’re becoming so distant already and we only just became so close. I really miss when it was just Ruby, Andrea and I. We made our own fun and we didn’t have to try. Now we have to fight to get some alone time and due to doing that I’ve apparently upset multiple people and it’s left me confused.
I just really wish it was the very beginning of year ten, there is so many things I could have prevented from happening. Imagine if I hadn’t left my old group. Would Lora hate me like she does now? Would everyone have gone their separate ways? Would Elanor and Kirrily have joined? Everything in that group seemed to fall apart and change after I left, I have no idea whether I’m partly responsible, but I really do wish I could have done things right when it came to leaving.
Everyone hated me after I left and I don’t even know how that happened. I miss being best friends with Gabi. Neither of us felt awkward towards each other in any way at all, and everything was natural. I hate how things are. Even if I do go visit her group at lunch or recess, I have to fight to get a conversation out of her and it actually hurts, because it’s my own fault.
The worst part about this is actually Lora. She hates me. I don’t even know why. All of this happened a year ago, and she can’t move on. Apparently she hates me because I hate her and really, I don’t hate her. Sure, I think how she’s going about it is immature, but I can’t hate her, she was my bestfriend and for a while there I actually thought it was going to last, but yeah, after I left, she went out with Matt, and somehow she decided that I was going to try take him, and that’s where hatred seems to stem from.
I really am happy with the majority of my friends now, I’m back to being best friends with Matt Lowe, and I have an amazing boyfriend. But would I have that if I’d stayed with my old group? Who knows, I don’t know what to say about it. I just wish I’d gone about it in a better way because I don’t know how to have a conversation with anyone from my old group because at one stage or another I was joined to the hip with each of them and I left.
This has been so pointless, but I never post, so here’s a long one filled with me being nostalgic and complaining about my life.
Oh yeah and on top of that my sims game won’t start.
I’m actually fucking miserable and I wouldn’t hesitate for even a second before deciding it’s because of school. I never wanted to go to SFX, it’s a snobby pretentious school and the teachers are oblivious to how heavy our folders, laptops, lunches and wallets end up being.
I never wanted to go there, and I actually dread it more than anything. It’s sad that I preferred a stressful and busy 5 hour shift at woolworths tonight over an annoying 6 hour school day.
I hate SFX, everyone is snobby and I hate being a part of it.
lurking the people i follow here is so boring.
I’m so incredibly upset with the way things are turning out in my life right now and I don’t know how to stop the inevitable from happening and I’m so worried.
Actually this is the first time I’ve been on here in a long time so I’d like to personally thank Kirrily for following so many people from school. Now I get to lurk everyone.
Everyone can go fuck themselves
xoxo
